marriage jokes one liners


MilkSnort! Bigamy is having one wife too many. “What child ? An effective way to remember the birthday of your beloved wife, is to forget her birthday once. By all means marry. (You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech.) “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m not going to miss it for anything!”. Newsletter Sign Up. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. 115. 166, Love is blind and marriage is an institution, so why go to a blind institution? 93. Why did the moth stick to the bride’s face? Wrong speech! I always cry at weddings, especially my own. I cannot express how much I would miss you. There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage! 53. I walked up the aisle and said ‘I do’. 92. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions! Marriage is a three-ring circus. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with a wedding! 32. (No Credentials Whatsoever). If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off. 91. Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage. 170. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”. 172. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. 112. Page 10. And I’ve been doing it ever since. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.- Rita RudnerWe sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.- Rodney DangerfieldAll marriages are happy. Newly-webs. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how he landed such beauty for 23 years? You never know. What is the ideal marriage? 45. “If I could just say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker!”. Before I finish, I would like (Bride and Groom names) to look at eachother in the eyes. Incorrect email or username/password combination. 150. 163. Enjoy. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.- Mickey Rooney (married 8 times), My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Really." The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. 169. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. 13. Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? There was one time when (Groom’s name) was asked, “What is (Bride’s name) favorite flower?” To which he had no hesitation in replying, “Self-Rising!”. 125. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. unique to this site, and may only be used with permission. My friend’s snoring is so bad his wife bought one of those anti-snoring devices. 46. 127. 196. 148. - Henny YoungmanGays and lesbians getting married -- haven’t they suffered enough?- From a cartoon by Michael Shaw“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. 66. “The Bible says nothing about who should make coffee!” Even the cake was in tiers. For example, today I agreed to never sit in certain chairs in exchange for one chair I can sleep in. When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks…. 129. 89. It's the one game where EVERYBODY gets to be a comedian! Basically my wife was immature. How do most men define a wedding? Monogamy is the same. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. Why?” 155. “I always go and clean the toilet when this happens.” 41. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”. Sorry, comments are currently closed. 47. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns, We use cookies for analytics, advertising and to improve user experience. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Two cannonballs got married this morning. “Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?” —Monica Hesse. An email has been sent to you. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”, 23. 22. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. Celebrity interviews, recipes and health tips delivered to your inbox. 250 Questions To Ask A Guy250 Truth or Dare Questions250 Would You Rather Questions250 Conversation-Starters. 21st birthday jokes, for that special rite of passage when the child becomes an adult in body and in....sometimes not much else. Newest funny jokes of the day. 35. I need to make this speech quick because my date for the night charges by the hour. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.” — Erma Bombeck. A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job. 174. When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. 102. Because she was glowing. But he realized that I was only after my money. Celeb interviews, recipes, wellness tips and horoscopes delivered to your inbox daily. Anyway that’s enough about me. Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. 70. A man placed an ad online saying “Wife wanted.” He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, “You can have mine.”. Wife: Like nothing? – I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t want to disturb you, but I have to ask my wife the key to the house. If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. The largest collection of marriage one-line jokes in the world. 157. Absolutely hillarious wedding one-liners! She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six pack! 177. We present you the best collection of funny jokes for kids, dad, bad, dark humor and good. Actually, it is no secret at all. Don’t worry, my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. The (Bride) did actually tell me (Groom) has always brightened up her life. “Twelve!”, exclaimed the groom. I was married by a judge. Marriage One Liner  We always hold hands. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd businessman, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. Let me just say that the groom has a splendid set of friends and to be chosen from such esteemed company was something of a surprise. Women change after marriage. 185. You are posting comments too quickly. Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little attention, a little tenderness? 139. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. How do you have a great marriage? What’s the difference between love and marriage? Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding. It's TRUE! The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it! Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. My full name is actually ‘(Name) would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name. 26. 1. Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”. 6. 25. 107. Did you hear about the newly weds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? 60. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You agree by closing this box or continuing to use our site. But he's in Africa and he's walking.- Oprah WinfreyA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. “Heavens no,” he replied. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 24. Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong. It has been a very emotional day…as some of you must have noticed, even the cake is in tiers. !” Easiest way to have a funny zoom party. Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. As the marriages go, we do absolutely wonderful, meaning I get to sleep with my wife almost every day! I take that as a compliment. 17. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. My husband and I have been very happy for twenty years. 8. 191. 149. You never know.- Franck DuboscBigamy is having one wife too many. The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. “Aren’t you coming to bed darling?” she said sexily.”Not in your life!” he replied. Funny Ronald Reagan quotes that favor the flavor of his self-deprecating wit. 104. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about. 124. 74. "A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time." Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:So where do I start with (Groom’s name) ?

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